Making Memories

I'm hiking through a trail up a Pennsylvania mountain in November. all the leaves have fallen and are carpeting the cold ground. I can smell the evergreens dotting the landscape. I hear and feel the crisp, cool wind rushing through the barren trees and I can see the sun shining through the broken clouds. I make it to the top of the mountain where it is now a flat, winding trail and I see Connor running ahead, off the trail. He's playing hide and seek and stomping through the leaves. He sees his mommy and comes running and jumps into my arms...

This is the image in my mind while hiking through the mountains with my in-laws over Thanksgiving. Jim was hiking off the trail with his sister and the nephews and niece. We met at the top of the mountain and came back down together. I told him about these images in my mind and began to cry. Jim was thinking the same thing on his way up. Maybe Connor was really there...maybe the wind hugging us, or the evergreens giving off their beautiful scent...or the sun peaking through the clouds. I don't know, but I like to believe that he is always with us...somehow. That we are so deeply connected.

I cling to these images and memories as our way of honoring the holidays. I have been awaiting this season with great anxiety. Not only because it's our first Christmas without Connor but because his birthday is coming up. It's December and he is almost one. I can't believe it's been a year. A year since I was anticipating this Christmas with so much joy. I love Christmas! Now, I fear it. So...we are taking our time, trying to be easy on ourselves and holding on to the beautiful memories of Connor here on Earth and learning how to live in a way that honors our strong little man. I love you, Connor!