Six Months

Today Connor is 6 months old and we miss him so much. Today was a very hard day and last night was even worse. It felt like I took a hundred steps back in the grief process. In May we went to Fort Wayne to a ceremony to honor those who have donated organs for others. When I spoke to the representative about it, I asked if there was ever any way that we could find out if Connor's heart valves would be used. Well, I guess I never should have asked.

The Organ Donor representative called last night to give us an update and it wasn't good news. When Connor's aortic valve was extracted a tear was found. Therefore they couldn't use the valve. Then when they were about to use the pulmonary valve, they found that he had four leaflets in it instead of three. I guess there are supposed to be three. Does anyone know what that means?

This was extremely disheartening news for me. I am so proud of my son, but it all came crashing down again knowing that a part of him wasn't able to stay alive. Not to mention that I found out about this right before his six month birthday. So I made it through the night and cried myself to sleep while cradling Connor's bear and blanket. I was able to go to work and make it through the day. Then Jim and I visited Connor and I laid some flowers by his grave. It was a sad day and a hard day, but we got through it.

I am proud of my son and I love him so much. Sometimes life is so confusing...