Remembering

This past Monday was 8 months. 8 months! I can't believe it. It seems like an eternity ago that I was holding Connor and he was grasping my hand. Yet it also seems like yesterday. Tomorrow will be 8 months since he passed. I can't believe that either. We are so blessed that we were able to have him for a week though I wish I had more time with him. I miss him so much and wonder what he would be like right now.

I still visit Connor as much as I can. We went at his 8 month birthday. The time before that I went by myself. I asked him what he looked like now, at 8 months. That night I had a dream about him. I don't remember all of it, but I remember reaching out and touching his head and his hair was filling out nicely. It was soft and had a slight wave. I try to hold on to those dreams. Those moments when I feel so close to Connor.

The last few months have been tough; 6-8 months. It's such a great time in a baby's life and this time last year, I was in the "great" time of the pregnancy. I was starting to show and had this cute round belly with this active little boy inside who liked to kick me and his daddy. I cherish those memories. I truly believe that Connor was going to be an active and mischievous boy!

How things have changed since then. All the plans and anticipation of finally getting to have our own little guy. How that all slipped away in a matter of minutes. How we have learned so much from our son, just not what we expected. Like the compassion and heartache you feel when someone you know loses a loved one; like understanding this crazy world of grief because we are forced to; and learning to live without someone you love so much but always trying to find ways to maintain that connection.

I know Connor is always with me and his daddy. I know he loves us and I know a part of me is with him. I believe that a part of me died that day when we had to let Connor go and that's why I have this hole in my heart. This hole I'm trying to fill but learning that maybe it's okay just to live with the hole. Because this is the place where Connor continues to live in me; where he will always be safe and remembered.