Three Months

I woke up pretty early this morning because I have a cold. I couldn't get back to sleep so I started journaling. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote this morning at 5:30am:

It's almost exactly 3 months to the hour since we arrived at the hospital to get ready for our little bundle of boy to arrive! We were filled with anticipation and excitement to finally meet our little man! Everything was going as planned until the midwife and the nurses couldn't find your heart rate. It stopped for 11 minutes...11 minutes. That 11 minutes changed our lives forever. Your little brain didn't get enough oxygen even though I was given oxygen to breathe for you. There was too much damage.

How is it possile that our lives can change so drastically in a matter of minutes...seconds? Now, instead of midnight feedings, poopy diapers, three month photographs, and waiting for a smile; we're mourning the loss of our beautiful firstborn son-Connor. I'm up in the middle of the night because I have a cold and I can't stop thinking about you-on your 3 month birthday. How much would you weigh? Would you have super chubby thighs? Would your eyes be changing colors? Would you be colicy or content? Would you still be ornery like you were in my belly? Would you be smiling because you know your mommy and daddy love you so much?!

This would have been my first week back to work. The time to transition to being a working mom and oh so sad to have to leave you. But instead, I'm sad because you're not here. Because I won't know how big you are, or what your cry sounds like. I only know from what comes in my dreams; the dark curly tendrils around your sweet face and your bright blue eyes like your daddy's. What a handsome boy!

It's almost been a year since you were conceived. You were loved even before then; by us and even more by God. I believe God was overjoyed when you were created and walking with us during our joy and excitement of watching you grow in my belly. Now we believe God is still with us. Crying with us as we grieve your loss-your very short time on this Earth. We are so blessed and happy to have you Connor James, but so sad because we miss you so much! So Much!!!

We will always be your parents. You made that possible and we love you so much!